Saturday, July 12, 2014

Day After Chemo Update, Realizations and Feeling Loved

I am truly ecstatic to say that the last 36 hours have not been bad.  In my mind I had such horrible thoughts about how I would feel.  

Yesterday, I actually felt perfectly normal until around evening when I did get an upset stomach.  But, I took the anti-nausea medications and felt fine afterwards.  I fell asleep about 11:00 p.m. (which is early for me these days) and I didn't wake up until about 9:15 a.m. - another amazing thing.  The funny thing was, I poured a cup of coffee and had an extremely hard time keeping my eyes open so by 9:30 a.m. I laid back down to watch television.  I think I was awake about 30 seconds and the next thing I knew, it was 1:00 p.m. WOW!!!!

The entire day I was just extremely tired - I felt like it was midnight all day long and should be laying down to go to bed for another 12 hours.  I am still awake now - it has been a struggle - so hopefully I will go to sleep soon and feel rested tomorrow.

My appetite hasn't been that great today, but, I think that is a result of drinking soooo much water.  The days following a chemo treatment I have to drink 60 ounces of water to help flush the medications out. Luckily, I love water <3

I find that going through this journey I am thinking a bit more realistic about things.  Things are starting to sink in and become my new reality.  Tonight while walking in the condo up the 8 steps to the door, my mother in law called - I found that I cannot walk up 8 steps and talk at the same time - by the time I got into the door I was breathing as if I had run around the block - such is my life now without 1-1/2 lung lobes.  A small blip in the road these days - just something to get used to and remember.

With these little changes that I have to think about each day, every minute, I am letting go of a lot of things that I used to worry about or do.  My support system has been wonderful - I am blessed to have such wonder family and friends.  I still have my daily moment (sometimes moments) where I feel sorry for myself and say why me, but those are dwindling.  I am kept busy by tracking my symptoms, tracking my feelings, emotions and physical well-being in my medical books from the doctor(s).

This tracking method has helped me come to realizations that I think I found difficult before.  One example is, I am now finding that the people that call me and says, "why haven't you called?" or "I can't believe you didn't call me and let me know how you are" are the ones that I cannot have time for.  I know that sounds terrible.  I hope it doesn't make me a horrible person.

When I first found out about my illness, I made all the calls I needed to make - and even more.  I have come to the realization that it is their turn now - mine duty is to fight my fight, keep myself strong and remember, this is my fight for my life.  

These two pictures is a GREAT example of what I am saying - these brought tears to my eyes and made me feel soooooooo much better - just to know that someone, somewhere was thinking about me - 

These days that's all it takes for me to know I am loved.

Sometimes life is grand - sometimes life just sucks - but either way - the only way to handle the sucky time is to bring positivity to your mind - 
  1. Express your feelings in a way that won’t cause bodily damage to yourself or another person.  Try yelling or crying into a pillow, dancing round the room to loud music or punching a pillow. (done this)
  2. Feeling shitty may be your body telling you it needs to take time out, and pushing yourself physically might just make things worse. Take time out to spoil yourself by doing something that you usually enjoy. Even though you might not feel like it, exercising and eating well can help. Getting plenty of sleep is important, too. (working on this one)
  3. Writing down your feelings or keeping a journal can be a great way of understanding your current emotions in a particular situation. It can also help you come up with alternative solutions to problems. (done this)
  4. Talking to someone you feel comfortable with can be a great way of expressing your feelings. These people might also be able to help you identify why you are feeling shitty and work out strategies for dealing with it. (working on this one)
So know you know where my head is at these days - pretty much all over the place, right?  But that's okay - I'm okay with that.... They say when you start chemotherapy a think called "Chemo Brain" takes effect - disturbances in cognitive thinking - trouble remembering things, remembering words, less patience, trouble multi-tasking - and I already feel that happening. Just what I needed to go along with everything else :)

There are a million things that a person battling cancer can ask for in terms of help - there are a million things that someone can offer a person battling cancer to do - but in the grand scheme of things - knowing you are loved and thought about is the BEST medicine to keep fighting the fight.

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