Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Anger Has Subsided

92 days, a prolonged diagnosis, Surgical Biopsy rescheduled from original date, now big surgery rescheduled 3 times.  Now, it is scheduled for Tuesday, May 27, 2014 at 10:30 a.m.

Today was not my best day - by far.  Let me start by saying, I really like my surgeon.  I understand he is a Thoracic Surgeon and does everything from Cardiac Bypass to Heart Transplants to Lung Surgery.  I understand when someone has a heart attack they need their surgery ASAP.

What I don't understand is how many times can I get pushed off and rescheduled.  I know, that sounds horrible, doesn't it?  When the Nurse Practitioner called yesterday, I really, REALLY went off on her.  I think it was a culmination of the past 92 days and I feel really bad that I spoke to her that way - but, c'mon, how many times?

She apologized over and over again that the doctor had 2 people admitted today due to severe heart attacks and they both needed surgery tomorrow.  At one point she said, "I'm so sorry but a heart attack patient does take priority."

I'm ashamed to say my response was, "when will I be the f****ing priority - after my cancer spreads?"  I was upset and crying by this point so I really don't recall her answer - not that it mattered anyway.  She kept saying she was sorry. 

So, I have now hit my lowest of the low - I got angry with the Nurse Practitioner who was nothing more than the messenger.  I did call my Pulmonary Doctors office and when I told her nurse, she was just about as angry as I was so tomorrow should be interesting to see if I get a phone call from someone changing it again.

I just pray God will grant me the patience I will need during this journey as I know things will change quite often.  So many emotions all at the same time - I am still learning what my new normal will be as I continue on this journey.


  1. Don't be ashamed of your reaction! This is a stressful time and anyone would be upset at the amount of times you've been rescheduled. God will give you what you need to make it through each day, so if anger is what's needed, so be it! You are brave and strong and you are a fighter. I think of and pray for you daily.

  2. I would get a doctor that isn't spread so thin.

  3. My prayers are with you, your famiky and your medical team